Monday, October 09, 2006
- 1:34 AM
i feel nausea.
i applaud myself for being able to brave through 7h of PHYSICS tuition and still escape unscathed,well almost,since i think my brain isnt really intact anymore.haha who in the right mind would agree to such torture.and i have to go through this 4 more times for 4 more weeks.please tell me i'm nuts and wasting precious $$$
okay since i start school at 9.40 tomorrow,i guess i can give myself an excuse to stop staring at physics anymore(i can literally feel my eyes popping out of their sockets)and rant abit here.
hmm i dont understand why i even bother going for so much tuition.(and sometimes i think i get complacent because of all the tuitions.i'll think that i've done loads of work when they're only cosidedred peanuts to some)haha i think there are probabaly people laughing at me now for my stupidity cause i'm not producing any results.YOU WAIT!I'LL PROVE YOU WRONG!HEH HEH HEH!but i can't help it if i'm slow and that i just dont have that knack for solving stupid vector diagrams.anyway i'm seriously going bonkers.i'm starting to relate all my daily happenings to physics and chem. for example...i can't think of any now but i will later.
oh yes and i just learnt how the radio works.apparently it's something to do with resonance.something like when u tune the radio, you are adjusting the natural frequency of the radio to match the frequency of that radio station.well i think that exaplains all those station numbers,is it?pretty cool right!
i think my entry is getting abit incoherent (and yes coherence means that the sources have constant phase difference)well you get what i mean now.
but i think this is only time that i actually have a clear goal.to achieve the best i can.hopefully 1A and 2Bs and B3 for gp.haha let me tell you how retarded i was in pri and sec school.
in pri6 i was half hoping to do badly for psle so that i can go some ulu pandan (coincidentally it's a road name) school and have more friends who played more and ya get more "life".haha and i thought i could get married easily by 18.all those drama serials lah.one of the adverse effects of media.thank goodness i didnt cause if i did,i believe my life now would be in a turmoil.anyway the other half of me wished that i would do extremely well so i could gain recognition and some sort of security (you know how parents always emphasize the importance of a good education).well ended up with a not bad score and in st nicks.well must have been the wisest choice in my life!
in sec4, i hoped that i could either get 6points or do badly and go poly where i can do something practical.but no,fate decided to put me back in nj cause my score was stuck in between.well i would just say that i hope to hurry get over this 1 more month and be done with the freaking 2 years.
anyway the bottom line is that i've never asked myself seriously,"so xiuyi what do you want in life.what are your priorities?enjoyment?stability?excitement?".haha kinda freaky to talk in a 3rd person but i think it's something we should put some or ALOT of thought into.i supposedly let fate decide everything for me.for example i'll say"okay if blah blah blah happens i'll talk to blah blah blah today" or if it rains today i'll go for ballet.i think my brain is shrinking,u know ji1 rou4 wei3 suo1 zhen4, because of these brainless activites(the brain is a muscle right?).BE DECISIVE!i've never done anything exciting in my life and i wonder if i'll have any regrets if i leave now.
well some people say that they will die with regrets if they can't get to experience true love like those in earth shattering romance novels.okay maybe i'm exaggerating.basically i think i've lived through 18years mostly alone and i'm doing fine.is it really necessary to find someone to share your life with.i cant imagine living with someone else and having to tolerate all his small weird ethics while he tries to custom himself to mine.maybe i'm just being a sour grape.
but i really think my future love life is rather bleak after the fortune teller's "golden words".although people tell me to not be gullible and take in every word,seeing the attitude i have towards relationships, probablilty of it occuring is damn high.i dont want to go through heart wrenching break-ups and yes,time heals all wounds but some wounds can only be covered with a plaster and it's worse because the wound under the plaaster takes an even longer time to heal.what you show on the outside will only be a facade to cover the raw piece of flesh that lies beneath.and did i mention that i'm IMPATIENT and STUBBORN.and even after the wound heals (that's if you're lucky), it takes away something,your ego and self-esteem,like how you've lost that bit of skin and flesh forever.new skin will grow.it's like shedding your old self and becoming someone else with a new lease of life.but you can never be whole again because of that ugly scar that haunts your dreams and every awakening moment when you've no work on your mind.this scar consists of love,hate,insecurity,uncertianity,bittersweet memories and it also provides the building blocks to build that Berlin Wall, cutting you away from the rest of the world so you can live in self-denial.i dont think i can live with that.and wanting me to go through it a few times.why not just kill me now.
anyway i'm afraid of the future,espeially when this world is getting increasingly superficial with everyone hankering after wealth and status.if i become a clerk,i'll probabaly lose all my close friends now who might climb up the corporate ladder and become some big shot CEO.life is cruel and our pride is probabaly even more fragile than that piece of lousy glass that shatters when someone screams causing the driving frequency to be equal or close to the natural frequency of the glass so the particles will vibrate with max amplitude.resonance.anyway i'm side tracking.as i was saying,nothing in this world is definite and it's a scary thought.maybe it's even better to be a beast which hunts to satisfy its most basic needs and fight to mate.
i shall do something extremely embarrassing or different after As.be outgoing because that's who i want to be.i'm not satisfied being the plain jane you see everywhere on the streets.actually i doubt i'll fulfil it in the end.
but what i do know is that i'll learn how to add photos to blogs after As.haha i dont deny i'm a computer idiot.anyway if any physics facts above is wrong,kindly correct me so i wont go into the exam with all the wrong information stuck in my head.and all the trauma i'm going through now would just go down the drain.
